The Liberated Man
My comment (see original post here>>) was not intended to compare or point out “whose struggles are more harrowing and epic” I am requesting that instead of criticizing black women (something that is running rampant) as the cause of the great divide in our community…, we affirm and lift her up. I can’t speak to the messages black men have been getting, but I will accept that somewhere they got the impression that they weren’t needed. It has only been in the last couple of years that I have heard about this notion. I grew up in a wonderful family with and awesome Dad who was a product of a single parent household (imagine that). The biggest difference I see in the Black community from pre and post Civil Rights is the breakdown in COMMUNITY meaning the Village mentality. When my Grandfather abandoned his family (I now think it was PTSD after WWII) the men in the community stepped up to be a father and role-model to my Dad. Once crack and heroin was introduced into our community and integration was a safer option, the drug culture and desire to be “accepted” began to erode the trust and unity that we had pre-civil rights.
I cannot speak to pre-emancipation days, but I can say that from my research into the Black female experience in America, Black men have always engaged in oppressive, chauvinistic ,and misogynistic behaviors b/c that is the standard set in current day societal norms. The women’s liberation movement (beginning with the suffragist movement) began to address those inequities, but Black women did not put most of their energies into that b/c we were fighting for basic survival alongside Black men. It didn’t mean we liked our situation, but when faced with the choice of basic civil rights as a human or equal rights as a woman we chose to focus on human rights first! After the Civil Rights act and we got the ability to live where we want or go to school where we want, and vote (ideally) yes we started to examine our role in society as women. It only makes sense. The predominant state of women in the world is deplorable. As a collective we are oppressed and Western women lead the way and transforming that state of being. The problem is that the Black community still is under attack! So we as Black women are still faced with this dilemma of gender vs. race.
Black women have always had to hold it down. For the most part I and most black women I know have never over-identified with traditional feminist thought b/c we ALWAYS had to work outside the home, (yes it is nice to have more options than maid, cook, nanny, seamstress, wet nurse, etc… so I have to give props to feminists on that one). From the moment we set foot in this country we had a different experience than white women. It’s not good/bad or right/wrong it just is. What Djehuty points to however, is an awakening by many Black women that our acceptance of traditional gender roles (housekeeping, cooking, child rearing, etc…) ON TOP OF having to work and contribute to the household financially was inherently unfair and insane. As higher paying jobs became available, we started to think “Hmm b/f I needed his contribution to the household to make ends meet(basic survival) and was willing to look past a lot of BS (read chauvinistic, misogynistic, irresponsible behavior) to survive, but now, I can handle this (basic survival) on my own and would rather be alone than in an un- fulfilling relationship.” What we do want and need (yes I say need b/c we do need our life partner) is to be in a relationship with a man who respects, honors, supports, and loves us. Who wants to see us happy and is willing to do whatever it takes to make that so. I don’t know about these crazy “man-hating” feminist out there (that’s just weird b/c men are fabulous), but most of the “Strong, Independent, Black Women” I know, want nothing more than to be in a phenomenal relationship, but struggle to find a man who shares a similar vision of what that looks like, and choose to be single rather than settle.
What was missing was/is education of or perhaps inquiry by Black men on what it would look like to be a man in a relationship with a liberated woman. How does one define his manhood/masculinity if not based on dominating, subjugating, and controlling women? Black women and the Black community are trailblazers in the transition to an age of equality for men and women. This isn’t about men and women being the same b/c we are not. It is about respecting and valuing our differences. Yin/Yang does not equal better/worse or higher/lower they are just both different and both necessary for a balanced world that works for EVERYONE.
The solution to the crisis in our community will come from looking forward and engaging one another as equals and being committed to each others happiness, empowerment, and full self-expression. The past has not worked b/c there is always someone held down while the other rises. It has not been done before, and we have the opportunity to create a model that will work for the world! The question is will we rise to occasion or disintegrate under the weight of the challenge? Given that we survived the middle passage and over 400 years of oppression, I say we can do it!
