For My Young Sistas

$16.99 ISBN: 978-1-453745-35-9	The S.M.A.R.T. Sistas guide to college is the essential book for any young woman heading off to or already in college.   Unlike most college books it’s not about how to get into college, but about how to survive while there!  Covering everything from dating on campus to picking a major to how to get along with your roommate, having this book will make the difference in loving or loathing the first years away from home. I remember my first day of college.  My Dad I drove to Duke University after dropping my older sister off at school in Texas.  We pulled up the campus with a mini–van full of boxes and I was nervous and excited all at the same time! After we unpacked, and my Dad made his way back home to Detroit, it was time for the adventure to begin.  There were orientations and welcome receptions and tons of information given to us about what to expect and how to  get started, but looking back there was a WHOLE lot of information that campus advisors and the “official” welcome committee didn’t tell me. To Order Visit www.SmartSistasWin.com or call 773.599.3482 Quantity Discounts Are Available!
Kania Kennedy The S.M.A.R.T. Sista	The Author, Kania “The S.M.A.R.T. Sista” Kennedy,  is a graduate of Duke University with a Degree in Electrical & Computer Engineering, member of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc, and Business Owner. Kania started the Smart Sistas project as a way to share the wisdom of her mother and her life experiences with Sistas of all ages! She is committed to helping Young Sistas transistion into woman hood and Grown Sistas live the fabulous life!
www.SmartSistasWin.com |(773)599-3482 | hello@smartsistaswin.com

No One Caught the Bouquet

I admit it, I’m guilty, I stood there, watched the toss and made no real effort to catch the bouquet.  I am 6 feet tall and an ex-center so trust me, if I wanted it I could have boxed out all the other ladies and snagged it…but I didn’t even try.

The bride was beautiful last night.  I was happy to see them get hitched and she was radiant.  It was her day and she made the most of it!  As with all weddings it came time for the bouquet  & garter toss.  The DJ puts on “All the Single Ladies,” and the MC calls us to the floor.  The bride (quite the performer) is dancing and prancing about, teasing us with fake throws and making it fun.  I am into it.  I’m dancing to the song, smiling laughing and have every intention of fully participating in this age-old ritual. The she does it, she tosses the bouquet and I watch it arc up, over, and the come crashing down to the floor.  There is no rush to grab it, and awkward pause, and then one of her Aunts picks it up and we head back to our seats.

I’m not sure what came over me.  For some reason, although I think my arms moved, I did not bring myself to actively snag the visual representation of the desire to be married.  I do give myself credit, I actually went to the floor when they started playing “All the Single Ladies” with no prompting.  In the past I sat back, found a way to hide out and flat out refused to participate.   However,  I recently declared to the universe I am open to love, romance, marriage, and Relationship Bliss, so to stay in Integrity and have my actions align with my word I went out there to demonstrate it.  Now I can analyze myself to death, but in reality I know that while I am saying I want it, I am secretly scared to death of the idea of a committed relationship.   But that’s me, I’m curious as to what had the other Single Ladies, a) sit back and have to be called out by the bride to come to the floor and b) step away from the bouquet?

I’ve been in the inquiry about Black Professional Women and marriage for a few years now.  It began with me at about 27-28, when people starting asking me when I was going to get married and I started wondering why I was so “whatever” to the concept.  However, as I get older and now as I listen to the conversation and “statistics” about the disparity in the ration of  Educated, Professional, Black Women to Men and the statistics about how many of us are single & childless I had to ask, “Is it really because there are no men available ,or is there something else?

It’s something else alright,and its demonstrated by this ritual.  We are not pulling for marriage and relationships.   Men or women.   At this wedding, after the bouquet toss, came time for the garter.  Same thing, if not worse.  Unmarried men there with dates, didn’t want to get up, the groom had to call out his boys, and yes the garter ended up on the floor too.

As a friend of the bride, I felt bad because it can’t be a nice feeling to have your bouquet hit the floor, and as a woman who wants to be in a loving, supportive, passionate, sexy, committed relationship, I felt a little sad.  As an amateur cultural anthropologist, I was intrigued.  Rest assured I’m taking this on and actually have a book coming out soon about it, but for right now on a personal note, I am taking baby steps towards this whole dating and relationship thing. Maybe, because I don’t really want a traditional marriage by any stretch of the imagination, I shouldn’t participate in the bouquet ritual, or perhaps I can stay present to the fact that I have created the most awesome relationship ever and that having  a little fun at a wedding and going home with a beautiful bunch of fresh flowers doesn’t have to mean I’ll become  a miserable Diva trapped in a marriage I hate.

Hair and Loathing

First a little background on women:

For centuries, women have been taught that our hair is our crowing glory and very important to our attractiveness and desirability.  This is across most cultures and evidenced in an extreme case by how Muslim women are encouraged to cover their hair and only show it to their husband.

For black women, this issue is compounded with additional cultural concerns.  The self Image many (not all) Black women carry is that who we are as God created us is unattractive and unlovable.  We find evidence of this in media, conversation, and our history and present-day experience in American/The World.

Growing up feeling that your  hair texture is undesirable/”bad” creates the belief that in order to be beautiful, loved, desired you must alter yourself to be what is revered as much as possible.

First it started with wigs. Black women with money could rock wigs and get “the look,” then came  the pressing comb. While I honor Madame CJ Walker for making her money, it was the beginning of a long slippery slope that has us here right now with Black women spending thousands of dollars on weaves and toxic hair treatments.

We desire to have long, bouncy, silky straight hair and are willing to go to almost any lengths to achieve it.  It starts young.  For example: I got my first relaxer at 4 years old b/c my hair was so thick and I was so tender-headed that my mother gave up trying to keep it chemical free.

Are you clear on what relaxer is?  It poison, toxic and black women put it on their scalp every 4-8 Weeks in an effort to be “beautiful.”  Does that sound like rational behavior?  If I asked you to put a toxic chemical on your body every few weeks and suffer from chemical burns would you do it?  Its insane, yet we do it anyway.

While it is possible to grow our hair long and have a relaxer it takes lots of care and effort including not using a curling iron daily to style it so we need to roll our hair at night.  But wait, “Black men don’t like to see us in curlers and scarves at night b/c its not sexy” so what’s a girl to do?  On top of that, sleeping in rollers is not comfortable, so even if we do it, we can’t get a good night’s rest so we can function and go through the day bright, alive, and joyous.

Then we need our hair to be bone straight in order to get the “look” the world says is so fabulous.  We can’t have any “new growth” or nappy edges!  So instead of relaxing our hair every 6-8 weeks, we go every 4 weeks AND we use heat to keep the edges straight.  The sleeping without a scarf, heat styling and the frequent chemical treatments damage the hair shaft and cause it to break off thus preventing it from growing “long”  and being healthy.

This obsession with having our hair be straight and bouncy does not mesh well with health & well being.  Aside from putting toxic chemicals on our bodies each month, we cant’ work out and sweat b/c OMG our hair will get NAPPY!  So we live sedentary lifestyles b/c we have to have our hair done!  Black women are disproportionately overweight as a direct result of avoiding physical activity to protect our hair!  Then entered the weave!  It was a dream come true for Blackwomen.  We could have the look, without going through the rigors and heartbreak of trying to have long beautiful straight hair in the face of hot combs, men’s desires, sweat, nature,  and chemicals.

Weaves are better than wigs b/c they can stay on 24/7 .  They look more natural and can be more versatile.    It really makes the most sense if a woman is committed to not wearing her natural hair for extended periods of time and wants to be responsible for her health & well-being. With a weave you can work out, sleep without a scarf (I still recommend satin pillow cases), and have long silky flowy hair like the White, Latina, Asian, and Indian girls.  You can look like the women in the magazines, on the billboards, in the movies and on 99% of the R&B/ Hip Hop videos!  All hail the weave, the solution to all of the black woman’s hair woes!

Unfortunately it’s still not enough!  We spend the time money and energy to have our hair braided down and this other stuff sewn or glued in and the men still aren’t satisfied.  They say we’re fake, phony, and/or lazy.  They clown us and even make movies exposing our insanity to the world!

Then there is the braid/loc debate.  I remember wearing braids in college and a brotha going on a tirade about how he doesn’t like braids and thinks that women who wear them are lazy!  I will admit I went off on him (pre-Deva days) and pointed out that not only are braids a beautiful and healthy option for black women’s hair, that being sensible and not spending money and time that a college student doesn’t have lots of on my hair is not lazy, its SMART!  I said perhaps he was the lazy one as he had grown quite rotund and hadn’t seen the inside of a gym since he set foot on campus!

I would say that was towards the beginning of my transformation, but everyone is not ready to be rebel/pioneer/Warrior /Diva and take this on.  Most Black men don’t even acknowledge that they are brainwashed into admiring silky straight hair over kinky hair let alone do the work to reprogram themselves!  So to all the uninformed people out there that say Black women wear weaves b/c we are lazy and fake, hear me now.  WE ARE TIRED.  We are tired. we are tired.  I am tired and I get sad as I watch another generation of Black girls living into a future or self-loathing.  My God Daughter was near tears when I wouldn’t straighten out her thick luscious natural hair so it could be “curly & bouncy.”  I just had a friend of mine with who is married to a white women ask me to come talk to his daughter b/c she hates her hair.  His wife told me her mother had just put in weave in it and the girl is only 11!

So what is a sista to do?  One could say just be yourself, go natural and some Black women do.  I did, and yes I had to deal with a lot of flack for it.  My grandmother ridiculed me, always imploring me to “do something” with that “nappy mess on my head.”  Men would say “You’re cute, even with your hair like that.”  As a matter of fact, the people who were the most accepting of my natural hair at first was white people ROFLMBAO!  The thing is before I could choose to let the relaxer and weaves go, I had to go within and learn to love and accept myself just as God made me.  I had to wake up and realize that most of my brothas and sistas were sleepwalking through life consuming images and messages that had them hating themselves and each other.  I had to seek out the small community of Black people who embrace braids, locs, twists, and fros.  It took something, but I did it. I don’t judge other black women who haven’t make the choice b/c its hard to deal with the prevailing conversation that naturally kinky type 4a/4b/4c Black Hair is less than beautiful! I am simply committed to empowering my Chocolate Divas to love themselves and provide support & guidance when they do wake up.

For my brothas who say they don’t want the weave, step up your game and take some of the pressure off.  Look in yourself and do the work to transform you programmed standard of beauty.  Then let the sistas  know you love and desire us long hair or short, kinky or straight!  If your woman says she wears a weave b/c its quick, think of some ways to help her create extra time to care for herself and look beautiful for you.  Yes it takes 1-2 hours a day to maintain hair, natural or relaxed so how can you give your woman some more time in her day?  Can you get dinner, put the kids to bed, or do some laundry?  How about really stepping it up and allowing her to work part-time while you hold the household down monetarily so she has time to workout and spend her days looking pretty for you,  just the way you like?  Otherwise, suck it up and stop complaining about our creative solutions to the madness of being a Black Woman in the world.

Growth and Expansion

Putting down my roots and expanding my capacity!

So here I am taking on my Goddess essence, being in tune with the spirit and sharing myself totally with the world.  Good God growth is tough.  I am expanding myself quickly and it is exhilarating.  I finally had a breakthrough in accepting assistance, being a demand for satisfaction no matter what, and being myself even if its not a popular point of view.

I was talking with a friend about my personal journey and how a HUGE thing for me has always been feeling “different.”  I remember 3rd grade when I first became aware of racism/discrimination and how it caused the first rift between me and my white friends.  Then as I got older and didn’t  do the typical rebellious adolescent & teen thing, how I began to feel isolated and odd.  I was always a year ahead of myself in school so I think developmentally I was always a little behind even though I was always the tallest person in my class!  In fact remember still playing with Barbie Dolls in middle school when everyone else was chasing boys!

In high school I didn’t have sex, try drugs, drink or do anything “naughty” until college!  Even then the extent of my “bad” behavior was  a little underage drinking (rum & coke homecoming freshman year!).  What’s really funny is how the opportunity to really be “bad “just didn’t seem to present itself.  I see how God protected me from peer pressure and surrounded me with friends who just let me be even though some of them were very naughty girls

I was left to grow and develop at my own pace and although I could see that I was different I wanted nothing more than to be the same.  The thing is no matter how hard I tried it would never work b/c I wasn’t being my “authentic” self.  My gifts of insight and vision have always been here, but until recently (the last few years) I haven’t wanted to enhance and/or use them in the world. I didn’t want to believe I had “powers” or special skills that others didn’t possess, but now I see that I am unique and wonderful and supremely gifted.  The thing is, so is everyone else, just in different ways than me and my job is to assist others  in seeing and embracing their gifts too!

I have a coach and a mentor, two women whom I respect admire and who are doing awesome things in the world of transformation who are grooming me and assisting me in stepping into my greatness.  It’s weird b/c since my mother got sick, there has not been a older woman whom I have confided in or allowed to speak into my life on that level.  I got clear in my Communication’s Course last year that I needed to open up that area, but I was scared to open myself up to new people on that level.  I created this year to build new relationships in ALL areas of my life so I have officially taken this on and so far its great.  I am aware that at some point they will tell me something I don’t want to hear, but for now, I am loving being pushed to do more and move past my limiting beliefs.

In the past two weeks there have been a number of breakdowns in my business and I have had to be in full DIVA mode to get this mess handled and it has taken something.  No matter, I am handling it and make no apologies for it.

I swear today alone I have moved through at least three dimensions of femininity and it looks like I’m about to get in the fourth as I head out to the marina to kick it with some gentlemen this evening!  Life is amazing and I am officially off work for the evening!

Peace and blessings!

Vision

After My Goddess Retreat Detroit 2010, I was worn out.  The event was June 18-20 and I am just recovering this week!  I was surprised by how it all turned out and even more surprised at the ensuing creative block that took hold of me for the last 2 weeks.  I shared all about it last night on Moscato Monday (my Blog Talk Radio show) but man was it worth going through!

I have known for a while that my mission has expanded well beyond the initial goal of providing a fun form of fitness to Black women, but was perplexed at how to share it.  Each time I would sit down to write out the new mission or vision I would get stuck.  This has been going on for months and in the mean time I have just kept moving forward, now knowing how it was all going to turn out.

After the second Goddess Retreat last month I was present to the HUGE difference my work makes in the lives of the women who choose to participate, and frustrated because most women are not aware of what is available to them.  My event partner shared that even though we talked extensively about the concept, it wasn’t until she experienced the event that she really UNDERSTOOD.  What is so great about all my training and development in communication and expanding my abilities is that I can receive acknowledgement, criticism, suggestions and even confrontation from a space of love.  So I just decided to be with event and the feedback without making anyone wrong (including myself).  I asked God again, “What do you want me to do?” and then I added on “And how do I do it?”  I had to accept that, I simply don’t know and that the answer is beyond my limited knowledge so I needed to tap into the infinite knowledge available to me through my connection to the source of EVERYTHING!

The thing about getting answers from God is that you have to slow down long enough to hear and/or realize that it has come to you.  In my case I had to take a break from doing doing doing and just be.  I promise I fought it kicking and screaming.  I felt like I had to be doing something. I needed a new project or some breakthrough/inspiration/insight to tackle, but I got nothing.  Everytime I sat down to write, create, or tried to figure out what was next, I couldn’t focus.  I felt confused and being confused is one I thing I  do not like at all.  I like to  know.  I want to be certain and I was planted firmly in uncertain-ville.

However after a week of resisting I finally just gave in and agreed to chill until after the holiday.  In my moments of rest, whether it was sitting at the lake meditating, reading a trashy novel, or just chatting on the phone with a friend, I began to get bits and pieces of the puzzle coming together.  Then yesterday on my first day back to work as I sat on the roof of a building staring out on the Lake it began to flow!

Yesterday I recorded the new purpose for my company and got clear on what I am going to be up to for the next couple of months!  I am excited and can’t wait to start manifesting.

PURPOSE:

Cultivating Devatude: Empowering women to be fit, fabulous, satisfied, and living a life they love! We serve and seek out women who acknowledge that something is missing, are willing and choosing to heal themselves, and are ready to step into being a successful, sensual, spiritual, feminine, woman, a DEVA!

New Beginnings

Well here I am on WordPress.com starting anew!  I decided to host my personal blog here as to minimize the upkeep and separate it from my business site.  This will be a space for me to express myself and not have to worry about “fixing” things if they break.  This is a new beginning me for me and my work and I am excited to get started.  If you want to see my earlier work, please visit my facebook page & check out the notes!  If you’re not a friend, send me a request and if you’re good I may just accept you!